Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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