Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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