I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
