new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
