I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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