Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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