You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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