I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
