I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
