hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
