i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he puts the penis in happiness.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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