She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
