Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
