So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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