I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
