i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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