i think my tv is drunk
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize