i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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