Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I have aggressive nipples.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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