Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just had sex on a roof
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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