Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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