____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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