GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize