So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
