If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So many bounce houses so little time
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize