my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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