new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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