hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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