While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize