guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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