Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
