his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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