I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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