thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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