Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
