Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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