You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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