I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
