im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize