Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
