You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
