god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have fence marks all over my body
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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