i just sent this text using only my big toe
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
