Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
