wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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