dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
