My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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