Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
