he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
