Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize