Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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