Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
