I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
