I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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