A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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