I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize