theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
