I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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