Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize