And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
