If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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