I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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