i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
