I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
