everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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