Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
