Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
