would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
